woooo boy

i was hoping to be remedying my 1.5 hours of sleep situation presently, but it seems other flats are getting their new kitchens installed today and there is hammering living in my walls. so, let the word-world output continue, for i do owe it here and elsewhere.
so that's paper one of three turned in this morning, and immediately thereafter i trekked to the library to get more books for the next one. hopefully the effort for my literature essay will be a more inspired one, as i have actually chosen the topic this time and the assignment isn't grounded in a kind of expertise that i don't at all have, ie "perform a criticial analysis of a building in edinburgh and determine how successful it is in terms of its historical context." whaaatever that means. i hope i did some of that, even if the jargon isn't always there.
for my tragedy essay i'll be writing on oscar wilde and queer theory and morality and sexuality and decadence and aestheticism and the whole works, really. some stuff i've never really delved into particularly, so it'll be curious and enlightening. and not about a building!

good golly, it is march. it was like three days ago when i was stressing out about the beginning of february. the stakes feel higher all the time, and perhaps in my anxiety (of good and bad variety) things have gotten to feel as unfocused as they do. my friends and prospects seem to pull me in different directions all the time and i am having to make decisions and send signals and make all kinds of the art of coexisting contrivances. my workload for school and my job is very sporadic, so i can never quite find a groove and just stick to it - i am always having to work myself up to it, and feel like i am wasting a lot of time along the way. some of the time my mind isn't even in edinburgh, as things existing across the sea and things awaiting my return occupy it, and other times walking through the city streets with my purpose and agenda and deliberateness feels like the only thing that exists in the entire world. i could never make this place and this life a bubble world though, for my heart is too roomy and would not resist whatever the placement of an entire ocean in its folds. so i suppose this kind of fluidity is strengthening, or at least it never feels wearying.

and please don't get me wrong, things here often remember themselves to me as wonderful. i'm going to be more than a little torn up over leaving. probably the most difficult thing, if we agree that the overall city environment and culture doesn't count enough as a single thing, will be leaving julia, who has become a truly great friend, and someone who seems like a necessary regular in the routine of life. at least i am fortunate not to be an inexperienced nomad and i can more or less keep up with my heart strings in the time-space continuum. and hey, there will be european friends to visit in the future, you know that fantasy one where i'm rich and have the globe at my fingertips.

i think i could entertain myself forever by making mixes of my favorite music of the moment. it is an itch that i can't scratch away and an exercise whose execution and lasting result makes me at least temporarily ecstatic. i have basically stopped imagining that i could provide for anyone else at all this similar experience with my collections, but i think i will never really rid myself of the wish that i could share. to relieve myself of a tiny bit of pressure, i will tell you that 'save me' by smokey robinson & the miracles is pretty much the most adorable thing in my life right now. and the aforementioned broken social scene magnetism has exerted its sway beyond into their offshoot groups who are equally but differently lovely. and i have been having pretty good hair days lately, i think these bangs (fringe, they call it here) were a good idea.
okay that last one doesn't relate.

meanwhile someone found the phantom wall hammer and confiscated it. my eyes are drooping and i really must take advantage of this moment. hopefully i can say more in the next few days, but no promises. actually, i do promise that there will be no real disappearing act, that i can say for certain. meanwhile, sweet dreams and besos, one per cheek-